Sorry, Charlie.

Las Vegas is in a valley, completely surrounded by mountains. Some would say that it's a "melting pot", though "cesspool" would be a more accurate word. And when I say "cesspool", I say that with love. This is the view of the Big Lots on Charleston from across the street. I'm standing at a bus stop in front of the Wal-Mart. The sad part of using the cellphone to take these pictures is that it doesn't capture all the real detail of the mountains...it was quite a beautiful scene. At some point in the future I'll be switching to an actual digital camera, since the only way I can get pictures from this phone is to send them to myself in a pic message. Rip off!


Ah. Arizona Charlie's on Boulder Highway at Indios. What can I say? It's a place to gamble in more places than one. If you've ever eaten here you know what I mean.


The close-up of the Charlie's sign. Again, it was a much better shot than this phone would allow me to take. Stupid phone! You are the source of all my problems!


Arizona Charlie's is a place mostly frequented by locals...it's far enough off the strip and out of the way that it's not really what you think of when you think Las Vegas. Not glamorous, not ritzy, and not at all sexy. Also, obviously, not a hell of a lot of fun.


Who is that handsome stud in the mirrored door? Yours truly...the resident Vegas tourist, malcontent, and idiot.


My. Well, this is probably my second and final meal at Arizona Charlie's. Why did the waiter start talking to me in a language other than English? Was that supposed to be gravy? Why was the meat loaf round? Why didn't the food have any actual taste? Couldn't I have just spent the $7 on a copy of Juggs magazine and had a better time? When water is the most flavorful part of your meal, you're eating at the wrong place.


In the parking garage. It gets to be 120 degrees at times in Las Vegas. I'll still take that over the -40 you sometimes get in Minneapolis. Give me the heat every time. Besides, the hotter it gets, the fewer clothes women can wear. And while this isn't always a good thing, it can be.


Next to the trash can in the parking lot of Sportsman's Royal Manor. Unloved and abandoned. It's wearing a shirt and i was curious what it said, but I didn't want to touch it to find out. Later it was gone. Hopefully it was adopted by homeless urchins and they're playing with it right now. Or maybe a dog ran away with it. Who can really say? Me thinking about it that much gives it more attention that it ever deserved.

The Vegas Idiot Manifesto

I think that casino culture is important to America, and that in some way, everything in Las Vegas is tied into that casino culture. That is why we're here, after all...even those who live here and would never set foot in a casino.

I don't gamble, I don't really socialize with others, and I do my drinking alone at home, Lee Marvin-style. And yet I feel an obligation to visit these places, eat their food, and perhaps have a drink or two. I doubt I'll talk to many people, since I tend to experience almost everything while wearing my MP3 player and earphones. I might pick up a conversation or two while switching batteries on my 2-gig Creative MuVo, but I can't guarantee this.

This is the life I've chosen. To go out amongst the tourists and the locals, all of them more or less strangers to me. When I lived here before, I visited a few places that no longer exist...the Lady Luck, the Westward Ho, the Stardust, and the Frontier. But I didn't have this blog then, and I have no real documentation of my visits. In the future I intend to visit every casino in Vegas, even the tiny and the horrible ones, and record my visit in this blog. Also I'd like to experience the little-seen attractions and find the odd places in and around Vegas. But mostly, I'd just like to eat, ride the bus, and look at breasts if possible. I seem to be in the right place for at least two of these.

So, that's the plan. I should really check out some of the more unstable properties first, since this could take years and places like Binion's and the Imperial Palace might not be long for this world.

Showdown With Animatronic Bambi.

When you go to Sam's Town on Boulder Highway and walk to the back, next to the so-called "food court" you are confronted with an indoor artifical wilderness...complete with bad waterfalls and at least one less-than-convincing animatronic critter, shown here.

I was starving, but I saw no point in going to any of Sam's Town's food court choices. McDonald's? Nope. Panda Express? I'll have none of it (PE, by the way, is apparently wholly owned by McDonald's). Sbarro? Ew. I worked at a Sbarro in Saint Paul, Minnesota for three years, and I always referred to it as McPizza (even though it's a separate company). If McDonald's did make pizza, it would turn out a lot like this...fast, hot, and completely flavorless.

Anyway, I was in a hurry and couldn't eat here if I wanted. I'm not even sure why I came in, but I'm glad I did. The bad animatronics on the deer made the short trip worth it. Its body is completely stationary, but its tail seems to move and its head moves to three or four positions, one a creepy dead-on stare.

At one point I thought it stared just a little too long, and I was ready to jump in there and kick its sub-Disney ass. The whole thing reminded me of the Park at the Mall of America (formerly Camp Snoopy) for some reason. Maybe it's just that there's not a whole lot of different ways to go with indoor rain forests.

I found my way out, past the old people strapped to oxygen tanks gambling away their life savings at the slots. Outside I waited for the Nellis bus while locals drinking from a 12-pack of Milwaukee's Best argued over which cheap, evil-smelling beer tasted best.

I decided that Del Taco and the Macho Nachos would be my best lunch purchase, since I was headed that way anyway. No photos, I was too busy shoving them into my fat face.

This Week in Vegas

So, what are the plans for this upcoming week?

I have no idea, really. I thought I'd work my full-time job for several days, drink some blackened caffeine beverages from my $9 Wal-Mart coffee maker, and slowly download porn from my dial-up connection. As the week progresses, there's a good chance I'll visit Fry's Electronics for no good reason at all, possibly visit the El Cortez on Fremont Street, and wrap my lips around a cheap, cheap buffet in some questionable place frequented by locals. Can anybody say Arizona Charlie's?

I'm taking my life into my hands, folks. Wish me luck.

What You Call Hell Rando Calls Home.

This is how I choose to spend my Friday. Give me a couple of days off and I just blow through them. I'm a wild man, I tell you. The first thing I do is sleep 'til 12:30 p.m. and wake up with a hatred for alcohol and all other things in my life.


Home, as it is. Travel down Fremont Street for long enough and it becomes Boulder Highway. When you get to Tropicana, you are greeted by this sign. It is Sportsman's Royal Manor, and it's the place I (at least for now) call home. Small one-bedrooms for $199 a week, $796 a month. Doesn't seem all that cheap until you add in the fact that all bills are paid, including cable. You can't get high-speed internet, though...and that's a deal-breaker, so eventually I'll be moving.



The castle motif is carried on throughout the lobby, where they have a lot of medieval crap, up to and including mannequins and a full suit of armor. It's actually a fairly cool place. Or at least the meth addicts think so.


Approaching Nevada Palace. It's a fairly old casino, and is slated for destruction soon. It's been sold to the owners of The Cannery Casino, who are already building on the site behind the existing casino. I mean, how rude. Can't they wait?


Blood drive on Feb. 29th. I can only wonder, since it's the last day of operations that day, whose blood will they be taking?



The reason I'm here. Food. This is the "ranch breakfast" which is served 24 hours a day at the Boulder Cafe. Or was served 24 hours a day, before they started closing the restaurant at 10 p.m. What we got here is a chicken fried steak, some biscuits and gravy, hash browns, and three eggs (over easy, just the way I like 'em). This costs $5.12 after tax, and my beverage of choice is water. This is actually really tasty...bona fide greasy spoon diner food, worthy of the best truck stops in America. I'm instantly disappointed I didn't get out here more often, since it's literally two blocks from my room. The restaurant is full of older people, most of whom have probably been here hundreds of times. I have to wonder where they'll eat after the place closes. It's kind of sad to think about it.



A view of the rear of Nevada Palace, where construction is underway on the new place due to open late this summer. I have to wonder if they'll have a reasonably-priced buffet, or if local blue-haired diners will seek them out as they do Nevada Palace.



In a vacant lot across the street I am heartened to see this sign. I went to Tommy's a week or so back and enjoyed one of their burgers, but they were way out there on Eastern. This will be two blocks away from my chili-burger loving ass. I can't wait.



But it looks like I'll have to wait. This is the vacant lot where Tommy's will be located. It's between the Longhorn Casino and the Wal-Mart shopping center. They don't appear to have done anything yet but plant the sign.



A view of Boulder Highway and Harmon. You can see Nevada Palace and get a perspective on how massive the new casino will be. The entire Palace space will apparently just become a parking lot. It's depressing to see buildings that really aren't that old coming down, but in truth Vegas is all about change. Whatever's bigger, whatever's better, whatever makes money. This is an extremely unsentimental town. Perhaps that's as it should be. If it wasn't, would I be chomping down on delicious Tommy's burgers not long from now? I think not.

Mr. Excitement's Thursday in Vegas

Not sure how you spent your Thursday, but I had the day off and I couldn't bear to sit around the apartment. If I did, I'd have to pick up the trash or do laundry. This will not stand. So I went out.



L&L Hawaiian BBQ. This was at the location on Maryland Parkway at Flamingo, but there are others all over Vegas. I've been there many times but I only buy one thing...the Chicken Katsu. It was the same thing I bought when I first went there, and I liked it so much it's the only thing I order. This is actually the half order, and it's currently $4.75. The full order, twice this much food, is like $6.50...but I wouldn't dare. What you can't see is the huge bed of rice and the macaroni salad, which is the best I've ever eaten. The Diet Cherry Chocolate Dr. Pepper ($1.39) is not part of the meal...I imported it from the Terrible's Car Wash next door. They have fountain drinks, but I don't want to drink Diet Pepsi if I can avoid it.



The Clark County Library (Flamingo, near Maryland Parkway), my former home away from home. They offer free internet access and wi-fi, have a huge DVD selection, and they even show free movies a few times a week and have plays and musicians in their full-size theater. But of course I owe them like $56 in fines now, so I don't get over there much any more.



Hey, it's the 202 bus! One of them newer ultra-classy "deuce" buses, this one crosses the strip and goes waaaaay up there to Buffalo or so. The deuce buses are the same ones that they use on the strip, and if you get on early enough you can get the best seat, right above the driver on the top level. This time I was lucky.



From the top level, you almost get a view of Sexxpresso, the sexually-oriented coffee business on Flamingo. My camera caught a view of a dead tree and little else and we had passed it by the time I had a clearer view of the place. I'm sure glad I wasn't responsible for holding Abraham Zapruder's camera or they would have never gotten anything on film.



The Key Largo Casino. It's been closed for about two years now. I'm shocked that they haven't torn it down yet...it was sold and they immediately announced it was going to be a parking lot. It's a rare instance when an empty building is allowed to stand in Las Vegas without being destroyed. Note the security fence. Not shown is the grafitti put on the sides by bored teenage punks.



Last year they knocked down the Bourbon Street Casino, which no one misses or even remembers. In the lot next to it (across the street from Bally's on Flamingo) is this store, which had an odd sign boasting WE HAVE 22 YEARS LEFT ON OUR LEASE - WE'RE HERE TO SERVE YOU. Look, you're fooling no one. I've been in this store. It's an absolute dump and a tourist trap. I wouldn't make any long-term promises if I were them.



The view from atop the walking bridge over Flamingo at Caesars Palace. In the distance you can see the Rio and the Palms...or would, if my camera wasn't crap.



Looking straight up (right after taking the previous photo), it's Caesars Palace! I'm huge! With the implosion of the New Frontier last year, it's now the 4th oldest property on the strip...maybe. Note the power lines directly overhead. Between these and the cell phone, it's tumors ahoy!



The so-called "dancing" fountains at the Bellagio, which looked to me like the lazy, do-nothing fountains at the Bellagio. A lot of people were standing and waiting for them to do something, but apparently they were on break. Stupid union fountains.



A good shot of the fake Eiffel tower at the Paris. The light was hitting it just right and it was fantastic. Again, if I had any kind of real camera, this would have been an award-winning shot. I have to make sure to get all my shots in before dark...the camera on the phone is so weak (and no flash) you really can't take any recognizable shots at night.



The ballooney Paris sign. Vegas had a pretty badass windstorm last night (the Arby's I work at actually had half our drive-thru menu board blow away), and it seems to have taken out part of the Paris sign. This will probably cost millions of dollars and take years to fix. It's just the way things are in Las Vegas.



Guy smoking crack in front of the Excalibur. I walked past him and he was lighting the pipe.



Same crack smokin' guy, different angle. I tried not to be too obvious with my photography because these people will cut you. They're freaked-out maniacs, I tell you.



The Statue of Liberty at New York, New York. Las Vegas Blvd. and Tropicana. During the NBA All-Star Game last year, the casino fashioned a very large "East" jersey for Lady Liberty to wear.



How's this for irony? These people are taking pictures of a just-married couple in a carriage at the Excalibur, and I'm taking pictures of them. Aha! Turning the tables on the paparazzi, that's how I roll. I'm different that way.



The bridge over Las Vegas Blvd. from the Excalibur to the Tropicana. Note the seated homeless person staking the place out. I noticed at least one on every bridge I crossed, each using a cardboard hard-luck sign to hit people up for cash.



Ever wonder what happens to that hand-out porn that gets shoved at you by the non-English speaking folk on the strip? Check the fountain at the Trop for the answer.



And finally, a not-bad shot of New York, New York from the Tropicana. I noticed the roller coaster was still running even though it's like, 48 degrees. Fools!

Not shown: the sign for Hats! The Musical!, which I thought was a joke. But it's apparently playing at Harrah's. Now, if this doesn't sound like enough of a nightmare already, consider that it contains original music composed by Melissa Manchester, Pam Tillis, and (wait for it) Kathie Lee Gifford. I shan't be purchasing tickets!

And One For My Homey.

The Greek Isles casino, next to MRC where I used to work, is closing. I'm surprised it's still there now, and it only seemed to really ever exist as an outlet for MRC employees to cash their checks and drink anyway. It was formerly owned by Debbie Reynolds and also was once the Paddlewheel Casino. The Rat Pack tribute show that's there is moving downtown to the ritzy and upscale (by comparison) Plaza Hotel.

Nevada Palace is closing Feb. 29th, after 29 years of serving cheap drinks and bad food to toothless locals. It is being demolished to make way for the new Cannery Casino under construction behind it. I've never really spent any time there, though I think I might drop by for a bit before they close it for good...maybe have a watered-down drink there or something.

Jerry's Nugget

Found myself in the men's room at the Plaza Hotel downtown on Friday evening. The $7.77 buffet had been okay, but very crowded and I wasn't able to get as much water as I really wanted. Still, I left a dollar on the table for the effort. At times I forget that all I have is a debit card and feel like a worm when I don't have any cash to tip. Luckily today I had cashed my check (at Sam's Town, where they always give you a free hot dog and a beer) and had some cash on hand.

But again, the meal was over and I was in the restroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and liked my reflection for once. I didn't think I looked that bad, though I admit a haircut is in order. I snapped a picture with my phone. Actually I felt weird snapping a picture, because clearly I was in a restroom and I was right next to the urinals. But no one was there, so I struck a pose and took the photo.



I then took my business to the stall. I seem to be working behind, because right after I eat I have to go to the restroom. Maybe I'm eating too much, or maybe it's normal. I have no idea, really, though I am a big fat bloated bastard most of the time.

I like to read the often humorous writings on the walls. People strive for attention in many ways. Some people paint, some people write songs, and some people write crap on the restroom walls.

Well, maybe crap isn't the best way to put it.



JERRY LOVES BIG DICKS IN HIS MOUTH!

Now, like a lot of hand-scrawled graffiti, this one has been edited. You might notice, as I did, that it originally read JERRY LIKES BIG DICKS IN HIS MOUTH, but it was revised. I'm not even sure it was revised by the same person. It could have been Jerry for all I know. It just seems odd. No last name for Jerry? No phone number? I can assure you that there are a lot of people named Jerry who spend their time in Vegas, the most famous being Jerry Seinfeld and Jerry Lewis. But we're talking about the Plaza Hotel here. This is very much a low-rent casino of the common people, so I'm ruling the more famous Jerrys out.

My theory is that this Jerry, certainly not a famous Jerry, wrote it himself. It doesn't come off as an insult per se. It seems like an odd form of public restroom macho gay posturing. He had written how much he liked having dicks in his mouth, but then he rethought the whole thing and said to himself Like them? I *love* them!. And lo, an edit was born.

It seems that maybe I overthink these things. Perhaps it's time for my pills.

Fred Sanford and The Adventure of the Weird Hot Dogs

Yesterday I had the day off so I did what anybody in Vegas would do...I loaded up the MP3 player with podcasts and went to Tommy's (next to Saint Rose Hospital at Eastern), where I had a delicious chili cheeseburger and a Diet Pepsi. It was fantastic. I can't recommend it highly enough if you're in the area.

Then I went to Fred Sanford's house. Or, rather, the former home of TV actor/dirty comedian Redd Foxx. Redd had tax troubles and lost the house not long before his death in 1991. It's at the corner of Eastern and Rawhide and is now a real estate office. I had been here before, a couple of years ago, but nobody was there and it was creepy. I went inside and asked a lady working there if it had been Redd's house and she confirmed that in fact it had been, and that we were actually standing in what used to be the garage. She didn't seem to know anything about the sliding door that I'd heard had been removed because Redd's ghost kept opening it. I asked if I could go back and take some crappy, low-resolution photos of the pool with my cell phone and she said OK.



The pool is very small and fenced off. It's extremely small for that of a star. While the front is immaculate and well-kept, the back is probably just as Fred left it. After Fred lost the house, it fell into the hands of Elvis impersonator Jesse Garon, who was the first to report the hauntings. Subsequent tenants have also talked about weird psychic events, but no one mentioned a disembodied voice shouting for Lamont, or calling anyone a big dummy. I wonder if the ghost does dirty midnight comedy routines? Vegas needs that about now.



Later in the day I went to Fry's electronics, the bestest place in the world. I almost bought something, then didn't. Then I ventured back onto the strip and over to Maryland Parkway, where my favorite B. Dalton bookstore is. I'd noticed that a new supermarket, Seafood City, had opened next to it. I went inside. Quickly I noticed that I was the only honky in the place, a very white person in a sea of islanders. It's actually a cool place, with a lot of fairly cheap imported foods. Also, about eight different types of Spam and Spam wannabees. I'd shop there if I could understand the labels. Again having bought nothing, I began to head out. Then I saw the bee. A huge, out-of-place, cartoonish bee outside of a fast-food restaurant called Jollibee. They advertised hot dogs 2/$2.50. I went inside and waited about five minutes (they were very busy) and ordered the hot dogs (again with a Diet Pepsi) and sat down. Not bad. They came with a weird sauce that I can't describe and I probably don't want to know what contains. I mainly ordered the strange hot dogs because I didn't recognize anything on the menu as food I'd actually want to eat.

Sadly I didn't get a picture of the hot dogs. It only struck me that I might need a photograph after I had finished the second one. Please to be noting the weird smiling bee on the cup, as it is everywhere in the place. A co-worker of mine is actually from the Phillipines and says that Jollibee is a major fast-food place where she comes from, "Like Wendy's". Yes. Exactly like Wendy's.